When Chuck Norris goes for a swim, he doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris tears can cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.